NOV 3 — It would seem like a lot of people I know are preparing for or have gone through a second, or third marriage. Being the romantic I am, I think it’s wonderful that people do find love and have the guts to go through another marriage.
What piques my curiosity will be the costs and elaborate preparations which come from organising these weddings. Our columnist Suhaimy Kamaruddin had written on the escalating costs of weddings a few weeks ago, and I’m assuming he’s talking about first weddings.
You would think after a busted marriage and bank account, some people would learn, but judging by the madness that surrounds these second/third/Nth marriages, leopards don’t change their spots. Their spots just get bigger.
The nikah and reception gowns cost more than the first. Sometimes there’s an after reception party evening dress, which probably costs more than two tables of guests. The dowry (which, for your information, does not exist in Islam) is more than the first, if not double or triple the amount.
“Just because I’m a janda, it does not mean I have no worth,” an acquaintance sniffed when I asked. Hence the doubling and tripling of dowry. I really pity the man.
To show how “laku” the duda or janda is, the clothes and occasions are more elaborate. The venue is bigger, the ornaments more ostentatious. When one digs further into the psychology of such an occasion, it all stems from “face” and shame. Your child may be divorced from mine but I will show you!
This is probably another reason why “Melayu tak maju”. We must be seen as “laku.”
I have heard of wedding receptions lasting over a weekend, with guests amounting to over 1,000. The sad thing is, a few months later, the bride or groom files for divorce. Honestly, I don’t know why people remarry after all that shebang.
For some, an overseas nikah is an option. Especially one that is performed during Umrah. They feel that by getting married in Mecca, facing the Kaabah, it would mean that the union is blessed by Allah. I’m really beginning to think we have lost the plot: we perform the Hajj or Umrah in remembrance of our God, Allah. Your marriage is secondary. You can pray for a blessed union, but to marry there? And now, performing your Umrah has become base; it’s all about how much your package is. The more expensive, the more pious I guess. Throw in a nikah and, wahwahwah, you’ve hit the jackpot.
When someone asked what my idea of a second marriage was, I said a simple nikah back in Gong Kapas would suffice. Then a small barbeque. I’m not interested in inviting people I don’t want to share the same air with, relatives included.
“Eh, ini kahwin orang Melayu bukan Mat Salleh tau. Kita kena ajak sanak saudara semua!”
This is also another reason why “Melayu tak maju”. We spend so much just to impress people that we have forgotten what a marriage is: It is a lifelong partnership that has its ups and downs, and it is between a man and woman. Is it any wonder why we are in debt? And for a second or 10th marriage, come on-lah, don’t be vulgar-lah. Baik I simpan the duit under my mattress for a rainy day (I don’t trust PNB after finding out that a 100-storey tower is going to be built. Habis ASB saya!)
Lastly, if you marry for the second or 100th time, your partner must be RICHER, HANDSOMER, has BIGGER BOOBS, PRETTIER. Am I idealistic? Whatever happened to marrying a person for his or her goodness?
Some of my friends have opted for the drastic. They are divorced, and remarried divorcees. They just grabbed their ICs, certificates announcing that they are divorced and free to marry others, and hopped off to Jakim and married in the Jabatan Kadi. Parents, relatives and friends be damned.
After all, divorced Muslim women didn’t need a wali to witness their second marriages. They pooled their money to buy a new house, honeymoon and invested in unit trust funds. Mothers cried and threatened to disown them; fathers threw a fit. But sandiwaras only last so long, so everyone pretends to be a happy family for a while.
Still, it’s nice to see people remarrying, whatever the costs are. It’s lovely to know that somewhere out there, there’s someone for you. Until you’re hit with another set of divorce papers.
* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.
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