Why I am returning

After almost three years of non-stop traveling, hitchhiking in Asia, sailing in the Caribbean coast and settling down in a small community in Colombia, this year I was given a choice – I could renew my contract and have the opportunity to continue working in the little South American nation (in what would hopefully be a post-conflict era), or I could fly back home to Tanah Air ku.

I decided on the latter. . . to go home.

And so this month, I spent my time much differently than the usual days I spend in the Peace Community of San José de Apartadó. As a requirement upon ending my contract, I am expected to spend the rest of my time in Colombian cities (in order to accustom myself prior to returning to Malaysia).

This past month, for instance, I spent my days clenching unknown muscles of my body parts (in yoga training), music-making (Spanish romance rhythms), and reading lectures in Spanish literature. I made my way to the hustle and bustle of city life (no more hiking through Colombian jungles)

Today, in particular, I am surrounded by a quirky set of travelers (my Austrian team-mate, an Indian dragon-breathing yoga partner, and a Dutch filmmaker I just met along the way).

Quite different company from the usual farmers I am used to in the Peace Community.

I feel a lot of conflicting emotions, of intense love (for the community I got to know as family), of melancholy (for the strangers I met along the way).

But mainly, what I felt was fear: supporting resistance in foreign countries is now almost second-nature to me. But what about Malaysia?

Surely, Colombia is a country of conflict and there will always be a place for someone like me to contribute. Not just in Colombia, but many other parts of the world. But is my contribution necessarily higher in Colombia, than for instance, in Malaysia?

Is the topic of displacement, of land ownership, of supporting indigenous people's right to their land that much different in Colombia than in Malaysia? What about justice? The issue of corruption? Wanton exploration of natural resources?

How can I resist back home, what does resistance even look like?

What is stopping me from resisting at home?

After all the lessons I have learnt while travelling, do I have the courage to practise it back home, to speak against wrong strongly in a culture where I have been taught to be quiet, to be kind, to "jaga tepi kain sendiri"?

Or will I continue to silently, passively support the system, disapproving but yet unwilling to make any effort to change the problems so prevalent in Malaysia, that it is not even worth the effort to reiterate it here?

Why do I feel so brave elsewhere around the world, yet so timid in the face of a culture I know so well, in the face of laws I know deep in the back of my mind?

Certainly, there will always be an opportunity out there for me to contribute, in whichever parts of the world.

But there was a lesson, I learnt along the way, that sometimes to help the world does not necessarily require going to the other side of the world. It is enough to simply contribute from your part of the world – sometimes without needing to relocate geographically.

But perhaps, my place has always been right here in Malaysia.

Because no matter how much I look further outwards, I have to admit, our dear country has a lot of problems, and it is one that requires its own people, Malaysians to help.

So why did I choose to return? Family? Food? Friends?

It is the realisation, that, my resistance, in fact is just right here.

This is why I am returning. – February 16, 2016.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer, organisation or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.