To love and to want

I write today, still from the Peace Community of San José de Apartadó, in a settlement called La Resbalosa, where 11 years ago, the community witnessed a massacre of two families, including children (their bodies were found decapitated by the river).

I admit, it is hard to leave this place.

Being in Colombia, being in a peace community is a unique experience. I count my blessings every day for the miracle of having been able to stay here for a year.

It taught me a lot about peace and justice, of fight and of resistance. But another lesson that I must be careful not to forget: of love, and the many kinds of love you can share.

A friend of mine, Spencer wrote to me once: "There is 'I love you' and there is 'I want you'. They are both there, before the advent of space and time. One is a drive, pushing outwards. The other is a desire, pushing in."

A coincidence: Spencer and I had never met. We traveled separately and he stayed in a community in Portugal while I settled in Colombia. We later found out that both our communities are sister communities, and that the members of our communities are common friends.

A coincidence, or perhaps peace has always been common journeys.

I love Colombia and I love the peace community I lived in. Many times, throughout my journey, I had also met many people I loved (and still love).

It was a bitter pill for me to swallow when I realized that nobody expected me to stay, despite the fact that I love them and they similarly claimed to love me.

It is a type of love so rare to me, after all how could you not want to be with someone you love? (A confession: I admit, I desperately wanted them to ask me to stay).

But then it hit me, it is the same exact kind of love that the people I know from Tanah Air had constantly showed me.

A love I see always in my mother's words (as she patiently waits for me to finally get a smartphone so she could Whatsapp me!), my father's voice (he tires of the neighbour talking about me and my latest random adventure, I am sure).

Never too many questions about when I'm returning home, but always the worry if I'm safe (internet is scarce in the community), and of course, the well-intentioned "dah sembahyang ke belum?" that we are all familiar with.

All in all, I am lucky enough to experience the type of love that sets me free. A type of love that understands that love does not mean possession.

A love that does not want but just gives... and keeps on giving.

To be able to roam the world and do what I do is not a right (though I always insist it should be), but a privilege.

This week, I am finally going home to Malaysia. It certainly feels surreal, especially considering that Malaysia is approximately a 10-hour hike on a mule, one truck ride, two bus rides and three flights away still.

There are certainly things I want from Malaysia: Desperately. Change. Tolerance. Justice. Rule of Law.

But I learnt my lesson. I guess after all that I received and the privilege I had, I'll focus less on what I want (for now).

Because for now, it's time to give back some love. – February 23, 2016.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer, organisation or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.